Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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