you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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