My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
