Umm I'm too high to move.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
