I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
