I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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