Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you made out with another girl for some wings
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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