I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
