Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
As shirtless as possible
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
