:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
