dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
