Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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