he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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