I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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