I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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