I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
