you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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