i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We are two peas in an std pod
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
