Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize