if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
