I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
