I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
