he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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