Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
