so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
