I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
