i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
