Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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