The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
