And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
