Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
