super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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