Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
