Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
