quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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