Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
