I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
