hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
