I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
