***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
