how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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