we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
