I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
