I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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