im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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