Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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