Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
