Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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