i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize