I just pynch a tree in the face
Can Purell be used as lube?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
