well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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