Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
