I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
