She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
