you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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