It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
