Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize